The death doula training was so rich and it brought so much life. Anytime people contemplate their death, if it's not imminent, it makes them think about their life and how they're living their life. It begs the question, ‘Could they give themselves some of the things now that the dying need?’ For example, a visualization of a place that brings you great peace and joy where you have a lot of happy memories.
That's something you can give yourself now when you need it. When you need that peace and joy and happy memories, you don't have to wait till you're on your deathbed and some end-of-life doula leads you through a visualization of it. Give it to yourself now. This is what I kept realizing during the end-of-life doula training, or death doula training: It’s that all the things we're talking about offering the dying we really need for ourselves right now. So in a lot of ways, the talk about death or the facing of death, the reality of death brings us into the beauty and the possibility of life.
I took the death doula training. It ended on a Sunday night and 48 hours later, on a Tuesday night, we had the U.S presidential election. I haven't written about the death doula training because what happened in the election threw me into a grieving process.
In a lot of ways I got to use what I learned in the training immediately, or at least allowing myself a little more understanding of what I might be going through. Because some things are very much dying for me.
The belief about my fellow citizens in the United States is very much dying. Is it my belief? Is it my faith? Is it my evidence in the values system of my fellow Americans? Whatever word you would put on it that is also dying. In a lot of ways, I am actually in a grief process and it feels that way. There's been a lot of crying. There's been a lot of anger. There's been not very good sleep and tiredness and more naps during the day. And here I am now exactly a week out from that, and while I don't think I should be done with the grieving, I'm getting a little tired of it. I'm getting a little tired of being tired.
I'm getting a little tired of a wave of grief coming out of nowhere and all of a sudden I'm crying again. All along this time, I'm reading a fiction book. (Of course I am. I'm always reading a fiction book.) This one is by Fiona Valpy and it's called The Sky Beneath Us.
It’s another one of these beautiful sweeping multi-generational stories and this one takes place near Mount Everest as one of the locations. The people there are talking to one of the characters about death and what happens right after death. And they're talking about the concept of the bardo. This is what the character says:
There are six bardos or states that occur at certain points in our lives, when we lose our old realities and they're no longer available to us. They govern everything from life to death and beyond. The bardo of death is the place in between this world and the next. In Tibetan, it's called ship chu shergu, which means 49 days because that's how long it takes.
All souls go there to transition when they finish with their earthly bodies. During that time, we hold a puja a ceremony to mark their departure and commemorate them with respect with monks saying prayers and lighting up incense at the monastery. The holiest souls like the Dalai Lama are reincarnated to continue to bring their teachings to the world, but we believe most people who have led a good life this time around, will simply go to rest.
We all become part of the universe from which we originated in some form or the other.
The part of this that feels applicable to me is that the soul, the thing that's transitioning, the old reality in my life is no longer available to me. That is dying. It's in the bardo. And I am in the 49 day period with it in the bardo.
Between now and Christmas Eve, which is 49 days from the election, I'm going to give myself and everyone else around me so much space and grace. When I don't sleep well for the fourth night in a row…space and grace. When I yell at the driver in front of me, who has very offensive bumper stickers on their car…space and grace for the yelling that I just did. When I cry for seemingly no reason…space and grace.
I'll be in the bardo. I wonder who's joining me.
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